Dating is an unnecessary pressure cooker these days.
There is endless swiping through profiles to see who looks and sounds “perfect enough”. Then, after weeks of trying to match and flirt, maybe a first date can happen — wrapped up with a bucket load of expectation and anxiety attached.
“I hope he’s Mr Right”, “I hope she’s the one”. “This first date better be the best yet” “I hope I get butterflies this time” “It better be love at first sight”.
Crikey! The pressure is intense…
I suppose the focus of the first date is now to find out about the other person’s intentions for their future. Find out about their exes. How many children do they want? What is their family like? How much money do they earn? Do they still live with their parents? How much trauma do they have? How unfaithful have they been?
Seriously???
What has happened to dating? Dating is supposed to be a period of spending time with someone you are interested in. To assess mutual compatibility and to enjoy each other’s company.
When did it become this intense drudge of an interview process, where if someone does not pass with flying colours, they will not hear from you again? They may even get ghosted!
Dating can be a time to be curious, intentional and have fun.
Surely, the first few dates are for questions such as:
“Are they kind?”
“Do I feel safe in their presence?”
“Are they curious about themselves and others?”
“Can we laugh together?”
“Do I feel able to be myself?”
Also notice what the energy feels like. Is it open, fun, calm and optimistic?
Because you are not obligated to sign your life and soul away yet. You are simply experiencing something new, different and interesting. There is no test you need to pass.
Just be yourself.
But what if there are no fireworks?
In our society, we often feel that a successful first date is one in which you feel an instant connection, an overwhelming attraction, a feeling that you have finally met the person you’ve been destined to meet all this time.
But, really, is that always a good sign?
Think back to the relationships in your life that began with that type of intense energy. Where are they now? What happened to the spark? Did those ‘fireworks’ turn into something lasting and warm, or did they burn mega bright, create a tonne of smoke and then *poof* disappears.
Fireworks are great. But they’re not so good at keeping a home warm.
Romeo and Juliet is a good example. We mostly think of that tale as the ultimate romance: two star-crossed lovers who felt such an immediate and powerful connection that nothing else mattered.
But there is another way of looking at their story.
Their feelings were so intense that they made terrible, rash decisions. They betrayed their families, created chaos around them and, ultimately, both ended up killing themselves.
Perhaps Shakespeare was not showing us the power of romantic love as something to aspire to. Perhaps he was warning us about what can happen when intense feelings are mistaken for proof that something is deep and lasting.
The “spark” is not love.
Sometimes we are not even seeing the human being in front of us at all – we are seeing everything we hope we might become.
“This person will finally understand me/make me whole/complete me.”
Be careful.
No other person can complete you. That is not possible. Eventually, the fantasy starts to fade away and a surprisingly flawed person is suddenly in relationship with you. Then we feel disappointed, let down, and long to find that ‘spark’ again.
What would it be like to come away from a first date without knowing much except:
It was fun.
I enjoyed the experience.
I felt safe and heard.
Would that mean it was too slow? Too boring? Lacking “the spark”?
Absolutely wonderful! Then I’d say it was a successful first date.
And what if the person seems like they might only be “friend material”?
Some of the most beautiful relationships grow between two people who genuinely like one another, who enjoy talking endlessly, laughing and sharing an ordinary human life together.
Love does not always arrive with a thunderbolt.
It may begin in a way that you never saw it coming, like the realisation, several dates later, that you’re really looking forward to seeing them again.
Take your time.
Hold out for slow, kind and calm energy. Enjoy the process.
Love blossoms in a billion different ways, but it does not have to begin with a sudden feeling that you’ve met ‘the one’. In fact, in the space that is freed up without that energy, something real can begin.
