Where have you said yes this week and quietly regretted it afterwards?
When family, friends, colleagues or loved ones ask things from you, do you really have the capacity to offer your time? Or do you find yourself agreeing to one more thing that, deep down, you know you don’t have time for?
You add it to the list and, before you know it, you are drowning. Your body is tired. Your mind is tired. You are exhausted.
Maybe your tank is so empty that your family are complaining you have barely spent any quality time together. Then the guilt kicks in. Maybe your defences arise too.
“Honestly, I was just trying to help.”
“I just didn’t feel like I could say no, in case they got upset.”
“I’m just trying to keep everyone happy.”
Do you see yet that you can’t ever make everyone happy? That’s not your job. Taking care of your own wellbeing is, though. And you can’t do that if you are stretching yourself so thinly. What’s even left of you, apart from aches and pains, fatigue and exhaustion?
Do you notice your body trying to get your attention? Do you know how often you are betraying yourself?
This isn’t sustainable. Over time, it can begin to look like low mood, chronic stress, illness, broken relationships and bitterness.
Most people learn to people-please in childhood. It is often a learned survival strategy. A child learns to please in order to gain approval from their caregiver. The caregiver may be struggling to cope with life themselves, and so the child learns to hide their own needs because Mum and Dad are unable to meet them. Instead, they suppress their needs and please the caregiver in whatever way feels necessary.
And this continues into adult life. Before you know it, you stop remembering that you exist too. You stop remembering that you have needs.
You are a grown-up now. You no longer need to prioritise your caregivers’ needs above your own. Now is the time to slow down, pay attention and ask yourself:
Do I really want to say yes to this request? Or do I feel as though I must?
What would happen if I said no?
And what would I be able to do for myself instead?
Could I catch up with an old friend? Watch that film I’ve been trying to see all month? Enjoy date night without interruptions from work? Cook dinner in peace? Have that long soak in the bath? Spend time in nature? Take a holiday?
I’m sure the possibilities are endless.
Saying no is not selfish or unkind. It’s called having a boundary. Boundaries are healthy. They keep us measured. They keep us from overflowing with resentment and bitterness.
Give it a go this week. Be gentle with yourself.
One step at a time.
One no at a time.
If you’d like to explore this in therapy with me, click here for book a consultation or here to read more about me.
