To love another truly, first we must love ourselves.
How often do you find yourself in a relationship unable to receive your partner’s love? How often do you feel unable to give love in the way they wish to receive it from you?
Relationships can fall apart not only because love is absent, but because we feel unworthy of the love being offered to us. We believe we want it. We long for it. And yet, on some level, we sabotage it. Loving deeply is loving bravely.
And it frigging hurts.
It is deeply painful and deeply healing. Love asks something of us. It asks for an open heart. A softness. A tenderness and care. But how can we offer that to another if we are not willing to offer it to ourselves? We often imagine love as the thing that will rescue us. That another person will love us enough to fulfil us. To make us the “best version” of ourselves. To shelter us from life’s difficulties, grieve our losses for us, and keep us safe in an uncertain world. But love is not rescue.
Your partner cannot live your life for you. They cannot carry the parts of you that you refuse to meet. They cannot heal every wound, silence every fear, or become the place where you finally stop feeling afraid. They can only stand beside you in the trenches and love you as the flawed human that you are. They can support and inspire you. They can challenge you in the places you are yet to expand. They can delight in your joy and feel disheartened when life is harsh and relentless.
And this is where love brings us back to ourselves.
You are your heart.
It is time to slow down and pay attention. Are you curious about who you are, and how you landed here? Are you willing to meet yourself with the same patience, warmth, and care that you long to receive from another?
How can you begin to offer yourself the love you desire?
Is it selfish to love yourself first?
Hell no.
Self-respect and self-love are intentional and relational. The way we meet ourselves shapes the way we meet another. The way we listen inwardly shapes the way we love outwardly. You are what you attract. Be more of what you want to see in the world.
Love is messy and beautiful. When love hurts us, we tend to close our hearts to trust and possibility. We want to avoid the difficulty and uncertainty of it all. We protect ourselves from pain, but sometimes we also protect ourselves from intimacy.
And yet, if we can hold a loving, gentle space for ourselves, to explore, to understand, and to feel the lessons we have learned, we can move forward with more compassion, openness, and love.
For couples, this work can be especially tender. Sometimes the question is not simply, “Do we love each other?” but, “Can we learn to meet ourselves and each other with more honesty, courage, and care?” You can read more about our couples work here.
